What Wagon?

Everyone has heard, used, or abused the fun 'ol saying, "falling off the wagon". I hate this saying. I don't see a wagon anywhere, Laura Ingalls isn't sitting on the couch next to me, so what the heck is everyone talking about? Why is it so hard to simply say, "I screwed up"? It's almost as if we are trying not to offend our own self. Seriously people? Man up!

Today, I screwed up. My normal calorie goal is about 1,200, I set my www.myfitnesspal.com (love it) food diary at 1,300 and I generally hover somewhere between 1,000 and 1,300. Today, so far, I'm at 1,767. Yes you read that correctly, seventeen hundred sixty seven! How did this happen you ask? Well... I blame it on food day at work, but really it's all about my lack of self control.

I firmly believe that you should never put yourself in a position of feeling like you are being deprived of something. I am not by any means saying go ahead and eat that entire pot of macaroni and cheese, or 3 slices of decadently sweet and creamy cheesecake. I am saying that if you want to have a treat every now and then, and it works into your daily goals - have some (not the whole thing!). This is easier said than done.

Did I have to eat that delicious strawberry cupcake, or the scrumptious chocolate chip cookie, and that chocolate overload brownie? Of course not! Did I enjoy it? Hell yes! Do I regret it? Perhaps a little. I mostly regret that I allowed myself to give in to the temptation. (In my defense it was sitting there all day whispering "eat me".)

One thing I have working for me is that I no longer have the ability to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese in one sitting. However, it is still quite possible to completely blow your daily goals. It's important to remember that having weight loss surgery is a tool to help you lose weight. Its not a magical cure for obesity, you will still have to work hard to accomplish your goals... just like everyone else. We all screw up, its human nature! So when you do, don't beat yourself up about it... admit to yourself that you've done it and take it as an opportunity to recommit yourself to your goals and (as my friend Megan said today) hit the reset button.

The Non-Update Update

Let me start off by saying that I am a total slacker when it comes to blog posting. I sit down at the computer and think, oh today I will write a blog, and as you can see that doesn't usually happen. In the beginning, I had these grand delusions that I would be ever so carefully tracking this industrious journey of mine. Yeah, soooo not happening. My friend Megan has been an inspiration to me, I mean the biatch lost over 100 pounds! She is doing this challenge for herself that involves blogging EVERY DAY. Check out her blog of awesomeness over here. I just don't know how she does it, she is truly amazing. But enough of my girl crush, onto the pressing items du jour.

I've got a mind bursting with things to say! So much that its hard to know where to start... hmmm... where oh where to start. I think next time, because I am so exhausted right now I can hardly focus, I will try to put down some thoughts about my pre-surgery anxiety that almost left me a runaway patient, perhaps get into a little bit of the initial post-surgery life, and of course try and get this thing caught up.

My closing thoughts for this evening are that I am so thankful I had the opportunity and the means to have this surgery and that I've got a really awesome support group through my surgical program. I've had my doubts, and yes oh yes I've wished I could sit down and scarf an entire cheese lovers stuffed crust pizza... but I'm really glad I can't!

The wait is over... or is it?

Turns out I am not very good at this whole blogging thing! I am working on it though. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of talking to doctors and the insurance company but I am now officially scheduled for surgery on June 8th! The thought of that actually makes me so nervous I feel like I'm going to vomit.

So far this has been an interesting experience. I would have to say that if I could start it over, I would try and give myself more time and set my expectations of how quickly things will happen a little lower. It is a process and can take a long time. I feel that I've spent more time focusing on getting paperwork done than preparing myself for surgery and life after surgery. I am glad to know that there are support groups available to me, but again I wish I had given myself more time to plan and adjust my thinking to what my new lifestyle will be.

Something else that doesn't help matters is the closer the date gets, and the more I talk about it, the less supportive my closest family seems to be. I am nervous and having second thoughts, wondering if this is really a decision I can live with forever. It is not helpful to have my mother yelling at me that OMG I can never have soda and white bread or pasta again and am I really sure I can do that and maybe I should try something else first before I have surgery.... nor is it helpful to hear my husband tell me that I basically have no willpower and that is why I ended up this size. He claims he is supportive, but it doesn't feel like it to me. We can barely have a normal conversation let alone a serious one about anything.

I feel like I've run out of people to talk to! I did meet a really nice lady who is also having surgery a couple days before me and she hasn't even told her family because it's something she is doing for herself and she doesn't want to have to explain her decision to anyone. I am wishing I had thought of that one myself. The little bit of talking to her over the last few days has helped me the most and she is a virtual stranger! I think she thinks I am insane... I've been asking a lot of questions (sorry).

I have a lot to think about and prepare for in the next 9 days.

Waiting... waiting... waiting

It took me a long time to sum up the courage to really go after finding a hospital and doctor with a good reputation that also happened to be in-network for my health plan. This seemingly simple task took me several months to accomplish thanks to getting the run around at one weight loss center and then my health insurance company of all places! Thankfully I've got all that figured out, and I'm one of the lucky few whose insurance has no major requirements for the surgery (like supervised diets)... basically if you're obese with complications, or in my case morbidly obese - you're in (so long as you stay in-network, out of network gets icky and complicated).

It seems like so long ago, but in reality it was only a few weeks ago that I found my surgeon. At first everything was hurry up, hurry up, call your insurance, fill out this 30 page packet, go to a "seminar" (we'll discuss that later), make an appointment, go get this pre-op testing done, aaaaaaaaaand nooooooow wait. WAITING KINDA SUCKS. Doesn't my health insurance know how long I've already been waiting to get this surgery done? Don't they know how nervous and excited I am? Dont they care that Im sitting here in the middle of the night, tearing my hair out, typing a blog post about how much waiting sucks? (sigh) I suppose I can wait.... just a little longer. The insurance company says it can take 30 days, 30 freakin DAYS, to get the written approval for surgery. The good news is that the doctor's office seems to think they will have the official answer in a week or two, which puts me right on target for when I would like to have surgery. Im shooting for the last week in May.

I have so much floating around in my head about the pieces of this process, its hard to figure out where to start so forgive me if I seem a little out of order at times.

I Was Born This Way?

Some people feel like they were born the wrong gender. Their body has somehow betrayed their true self, and the person they were really meant to be is trapped somewhere inside a false facade.

I can relate. Most days I feel like I've swallowed (whole) a skinny version of myself, and that skinny person is inside kicking and screaming to get out. One failed diet after another has left my facade a deteriorating, weak, and weathered mess.

It's a shame that most of us are brain washed into the idea that fat = lazy. Up until about a year and a half ago I felt pretty good, I weighed about the same, but I could go up and down the stairs with minimal problems, I had less pain and more energy... but one day someone flipped a switch and I became too fat, too tired, and too old.

And then came the health problems, one right after another, after another. I don't think there has been a month since at least January 2010 where I haven't had to see one or more of my team of doctor's and specialists. I'm on entirely too many medications, I'm still not losing weight, and I'm at my wits end.

Some may think weight loss surgery is the "easy" or "lazy" way out. For me, its my last resort. I have been within 40 pounds of my current weight (plus or minus) for over 10 years. That means for over 10 years I've been carrying the weight of an entire other person around (and then some), and its killing me.

I do not take my decision lightly, in fact it took me over a year of thinking about it and making excuses about why I hadn't done anything about it yet to realize that it was no longer a choice. No more than choosing if you want to live or die is a choice.

I know this will be hardest, scariest thing I've ever done, but I also know that it will save my life.