Waiting... waiting... waiting

It took me a long time to sum up the courage to really go after finding a hospital and doctor with a good reputation that also happened to be in-network for my health plan. This seemingly simple task took me several months to accomplish thanks to getting the run around at one weight loss center and then my health insurance company of all places! Thankfully I've got all that figured out, and I'm one of the lucky few whose insurance has no major requirements for the surgery (like supervised diets)... basically if you're obese with complications, or in my case morbidly obese - you're in (so long as you stay in-network, out of network gets icky and complicated).

It seems like so long ago, but in reality it was only a few weeks ago that I found my surgeon. At first everything was hurry up, hurry up, call your insurance, fill out this 30 page packet, go to a "seminar" (we'll discuss that later), make an appointment, go get this pre-op testing done, aaaaaaaaaand nooooooow wait. WAITING KINDA SUCKS. Doesn't my health insurance know how long I've already been waiting to get this surgery done? Don't they know how nervous and excited I am? Dont they care that Im sitting here in the middle of the night, tearing my hair out, typing a blog post about how much waiting sucks? (sigh) I suppose I can wait.... just a little longer. The insurance company says it can take 30 days, 30 freakin DAYS, to get the written approval for surgery. The good news is that the doctor's office seems to think they will have the official answer in a week or two, which puts me right on target for when I would like to have surgery. Im shooting for the last week in May.

I have so much floating around in my head about the pieces of this process, its hard to figure out where to start so forgive me if I seem a little out of order at times.

I Was Born This Way?

Some people feel like they were born the wrong gender. Their body has somehow betrayed their true self, and the person they were really meant to be is trapped somewhere inside a false facade.

I can relate. Most days I feel like I've swallowed (whole) a skinny version of myself, and that skinny person is inside kicking and screaming to get out. One failed diet after another has left my facade a deteriorating, weak, and weathered mess.

It's a shame that most of us are brain washed into the idea that fat = lazy. Up until about a year and a half ago I felt pretty good, I weighed about the same, but I could go up and down the stairs with minimal problems, I had less pain and more energy... but one day someone flipped a switch and I became too fat, too tired, and too old.

And then came the health problems, one right after another, after another. I don't think there has been a month since at least January 2010 where I haven't had to see one or more of my team of doctor's and specialists. I'm on entirely too many medications, I'm still not losing weight, and I'm at my wits end.

Some may think weight loss surgery is the "easy" or "lazy" way out. For me, its my last resort. I have been within 40 pounds of my current weight (plus or minus) for over 10 years. That means for over 10 years I've been carrying the weight of an entire other person around (and then some), and its killing me.

I do not take my decision lightly, in fact it took me over a year of thinking about it and making excuses about why I hadn't done anything about it yet to realize that it was no longer a choice. No more than choosing if you want to live or die is a choice.

I know this will be hardest, scariest thing I've ever done, but I also know that it will save my life.